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The Challenges of On-line Dating for Transgender People

The Challenges of Online-Dating and Being Transgender.It happened last night, again. You’d think I’d be used to it and not let it bother me, but the reality is that it does. And this one hurt. Being rejected just because I’m transgender, even though there had been a mutual connection between us up until the point when I told her I was trans.

“I can only imagine how difficult that is to reveal to someone, especially online. I appreciate your honesty and have a tremendous amount of respect for your strength to open up and be who you truly are. I must confess I haven’t had any experience in the transgender community. You seem very nice and I wish I was stronger but I don’t think I’ll be able pursue anything further.”

Excuse me, but I wasn’t aware it took an extraordinary amount of strength to accept someone for who they are? But I can’t get upset at her because I realize my revelation came as a total surprise and was something she was certainly not expecting. And as hypocritical as it sounds, had the situation been reversed I very well might have had an issue with it too. So, I responded as usual by saying I completely understand and that I wish her the best in finding someone, blah, blah, blah.

To a certain extent I do understand, because a transgender woman looking to find a woman in the “women seeking women” section of an online dating site is sort of outside the norm of what most women are expecting. But here again the confusion about gender orientation and sexual orientation rears its ugly head. While I may be transgender, that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. I’m a lesbian; the fact that I’m trans shouldn’t matter, but unfortunately the reality is that it does.

And to address the white elephant in the room, yes my anatomy may be a bit different in some respects than that of a cis-woman, but that in itself should not be a deal breaker, especially since most of the lesbians I know enjoy playing with “toys” and particularly the ones that strap on. So that argument doesn’t hold up in my humble opinion. And I have the one thing which matters most, or should matter most: a good heart.

I used to state in the very first paragraph of my profile that I was transgender, but it soon became obvious that the majority of people who were contacting me had not bothered to read my profile, which led to many awkward moments. And this begs the larger question, why are people contacting someone when they haven’t even read their profile? I just don’t get it.

So then, where are trans people supposed to turn for on-line dating? Sure there are trans specific dating websites, but all the ones I’ve checked seem to be there solely as meat markets for “tranny chasers.” There are no legitimate dating websites that I know of for regular trans people who are looking for a serious relationship. If I was attracted to men I’d have no problem getting dates, but for trans women who are attracted to other women, it’s a lot more difficult to find someone.

The bottom line is that even though I am transgender I am first and foremost still a person. Why is it so difficult for so many people to just be open and accept trans people for who we are instead of being so quick to dismiss us because of this one thing? Being transgender does not define us, it’s just one part of what makes us unique and who we are, so please don’t label or judge us.

So, I am officially done with on-line dating; my profile is now deleted. If I’m going to meet someone it’s going to be the old-fashioned way, in person.

About Becca Benz

Becca Benz
Becca Benz has blogged since beginning her transition five years ago and has also written articles for various sites. She is a transgender model, artist, photographer and active member of the transgender community. Becca is a college graduate, served in the Army and is the proud parent of two adult sons.

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